Holidays. Hoorah

I hate the holidays.
Have for years.
Hooray for materialistic bullshit, Fake happiness,Being out of place. and well over all bullshit. Merry fucking christmas everyone. Enjoy your loved ones, and being surrounded by those you care about and care about you.
Baby Jaidyn, you are the only reason i hope there is a some form of afterlife. Merry first christmas my dear, i love you.

Today i miss you alot, my dear.
How i wish i couldve had the opportunity to hold you in my arms and show you the world.
I will love you, now and forever. And i will always keep you in my heart.
Rest in peace, my little angel.


PS. Bathing suit, not bra FYI

It's like I feel it in the air,
I hear you sayin mommy don't cry can't you see I'm right here, I gotta let you know what you mean to me. When I'm sleeping I see you in my dreams with me,
wish I could touch your little face or just hold your little hand if it's part of gods plan, maybe we can met again<3


This pain wont go away. And its not getting any easier.

One week

Its been one week since i have lost my baby. And i know i need a distraction, a habit, anything to keep my mind off it. So Ive decided that i am going back to my comfortable, familiar habit: Dieting : )

Current goal: Lose 5 lbs

This should hopefully keep my mind preoccupied, and if it doesn't, well i'm fucked. Because nothing else is working.

< / 3

"I may not be able hold you in my arms, but I will always hold you in my heart."
I dont know why i couldnt have this baby, but God, please take care of it for me.

....

So today the clinic called regarding my test results, and asked me to come in later in the day. The fact they wouldnt tell me over the phone already confirmed all my suspicions.

The ultrasound couldn't even see my baby, which means i had lost it the previous night/morning. I held it together best i could in the doctors office, but soon as i reached the parking lot i couldn't stop crying. I didn't know i could get attached to something i couldn't even hold or see.

Bert, being the amazing boyfriend he is, took me to California adventures for the night in attempt to cheer me up. But every kid i saw made me tear up and envious.

I hate hate hate how angry/jealous/hateful i am towards every mother i see right now with a healthy child. And i know its terrible, but i cant help but be angry at God for taking it either.

Bert wants to wait five years to have kids, i don't think i can even wait two. i don't know how im going to get through this.

I'm completly broken,

And have no strength left.

I'm a terrible blogger, and haven't updated this in months. So quick run down on whats happened since March!

- I started dating Bert, he is the most amazing person i have in my life.
- I graduated high school.
- I moved back in with my parents and am making amends.
- I kind of lost my job. Well, have to transfer stores (so I'm currently not working)
- And a secret i would appreciate my real life friends to keep,please,(and not mention it on face book, unless in a private message), i got pregnant and am in the process of miscarrying it.


The only reason I'm bringing up the last point, is because i need somewhere to share the story in hopes of getting over it.

I found out i was pregnant by a home pregnancy test in September. Surprised and scared, i refused to believe it. Well, 3 home pregnancy tests and an 80 dollar urgent care visit later, it was confirmed.

I was starting to accept it, prepare myself for it, and get excited for it! When i started to have some slight bleeding. 2 days later, September 30th it became heavy and me and Bert went to the ER.

10 hours later, and 3k later, all they could tell me is i could be having a threatened miscarriage. Which basically means they have no idea and my pregnancy could go either way. Also i found out i was 5 weeks along, which is one week before they can see a heartbeat, and that i found out i was pregnant at only 3 weeks along.

After this i had an appointment at the free clinic in town, and after they saw all my paper work sent me down to labs to get my hormone levels tested, If they went significantly up, it would be a good sign, and down would be a bad sign. Before sending me home they told me to call back in 24 hours for my results.

At this point i was already scared and wondering, and unfortunately i didn't get any of the answers i hoped to get. I called back at the 24 hour mark, and the rude woman who answered said that i might have to wait up to 72 hours for my results. They called the next morning and left a voice mail telling me my levels went up slightly, and that they wanted me to come back in a couple of days to get tested again.

And after that time again. Both times my levels went up, but not as much as they hoped. This past Tuesday i finally had an appointment with the clinic, and the women there sounded very hopefully that my pregnancy was continuing since my bleeding had slowed down. (Oh, on a backtrack after the ER visit i bleed for 2 weeks, stopped for 1, then continued bleeding lightly again). I had more blood testing down Tuesday and am waiting for a result still. They also scheduled me for an ultrasound that took place Wednesday.

Tuesday night is when everything went downhill. i started passing clots and having severe cramping and bleeding, worse then anything Ive ever experienced. Wednesday it continued till the evening. Having an ultrasound when having cramps like that was the worst thing i could imagine. I hope none of you ever have to go through any of this..

So now its early Friday morning, still bleeding and cramping(but not nearly as bad), waiting for answers, and emotionally exhausted.

That's my story with everything going on, and i believe I've hit my rock bottom.

p.s please excuse any grammatical errors and sentence structure, its been awhile. p.p.s
If i hear that any of you have told anyone, or if this ends up on face book and getting out, I'm sorry but that's violating our friendship and i will never forgive you, and do not and will not continue a friendship with you